Dear (Deidre)

Deidre had to take this week off, so we were forced to field all incoming questions to our substitute spokesman. Sorry, I haven’t had a chance to check his credentials. We’ll hope the column turns out ok.

Dear Deidre,

Lately it just seems like the magic in my relationship is gone. My boyfriend always used to buy me flowers or surprise me by bringing lunch to my work and things like that, but lately he’s seemed more and more distant. We only rarely go on dates anymore. I don’t think I’ve done anything in particular that would upset him, but every time I try to bring the issue up, he just says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” and walks out of the room. I can’t keep going on in the relationship like this, but I don’t want to push him away by suffocating him. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Confused in Columbus

Dear Confused,

Jesus, what’s a guy got to do to please you people? It’s like every time we do something nice for you, you want to us to do more and more and more. So you only rarely go on dates, huh? Did you ever think that maybe it’s because he’s the one who has to pay every fuckin’ time you go to the movies that he doesn’t want to go out?

And do you know what it costs to buy a large popcorn? It’s like seven bucks – not to mention that you always want to load it down with salt, and then in the middle of the movie you make us go and buy you a soda because you’re so thirsty. By the end of the night, it’s like a $40 evening. And then you go back to your place – always your place, even if I have to work at seven the next morning – and you just go to sleep since you’re so tired from eating the entire tub of popcorn, leaving me to sit on your uncomfortable bed wide awake and spoon you.

And let me tell you something, spooning is not a comfortable position for the guy. All the weight is on your shoulder and every time we need to adjust the position you make this annoying little moan like we’re causing you such an inconvenience by adjusting our position, even though I didn’t want to go to bed in the first place.

Let me ask you something, do you ever do anything nice for your guy? Hmm? Like, I don’t know, maybe a nice blow job every once in a while, where the guy can just sit back, relax, and admire the top of your head. But, NO! You’re perfectly content to let us spend a half hour trying to get you to an unattainable climax, but if we ask just one time for you to let us film it, you turn colder than a Woman’s Christian Temperance Union member.

Fine, you want a suggestion? Here’s a suggestion: instead of worrying so much about whether your man is showing his love enough, why don’t you show some love by getting into the kitchen and cooking a fucking pie. After all, any time you do want to cook, it’s always some vegan shit that looks like it came out of someone’s nose. And, so you know, we may tell you we like it, but we never mean it. We’d much rather just hit up Bdubs or even the K-Fried-C for a double down. It may cost a little extra, but it’s worth not having to feel like such a phony asshole having to compliment every piece of shit you make just to keep you from bursting into tears like a little whiny 10-year-old.

Allright, you know what, that’s enough. Just thinking about you and your pathetic problems has completely harshed my buzz. Your boyfriend’s not being attentive enough? Shit or get off the pot. Either suck it up, or just dump the guy, because seriously, it would be so much easier for everyone to just end this thing than have to pay for another Sandra Bullock movie.

Sincerely,

Pete (fuck this stupid nickname bullshit.)